An interesting feeling has come over me today.
I am nauseous, tingly, scared and excited.
I feel like my life is starting now. I've had a job offer that will up my income significantly, enough to *hopefully* get me into an apartment. I'm looking at tiny studio apartments, I'm looking at trading my car to lower my payments. I feel like I'm on top of a very exciting cliff and the only place to go is over the edge. I want to cry and giggle at the same time!
I didn't realize it was possible for me to be such an enormous bundle of nerves!

Agnostic Prayer
I can't see you, but I know you are there
I don't know who you are, and yet am comforted by you.
I feel you near during my worst times and best, and though you are a stranger, I love you.
I have no idea of your true nature, if you are sentient or not,
Though I am sure most people are wrong about you.
In your magnificence, I truly doubt that you care about my sex life or the words I use,
I don't believe there is a single correct path to you, though it would be easier if there were.
Men have many names for you; God, Abba, Allah, Gaia, Yahweh, just to name a few,
And many have died for the right to stuff you into a box.
Doubtful this is what you want from us.
Whether you are sentient matters not.
What matters is that we are here, thanks to you.
What matters to me is loving you for what you are,
Though I also know my feeble mind could never wholly grasp you
You are wonderful and terrible, beautiful and hideous.
You are the beginning and the end
You are many things.
You must be an artist;
Your brush has painted beauty beyond comprehension:
A beautiful sunset, a nebula, a strong man, and a nurturing woman,
These works and millions more make up your gallery.
You must be a mother
For born of your womb is everything.
Though no mother I've met is capable of your tyranny.
The majesty of your creation is rivaled only by the terror of your destruction.
You must be a father.
Your ability to protect as well as your ability to hurt reflects the nature of even the best man.
Whoever you are, artist, destroyer, father, mother, sentient or not,
We cannot know all of your aspects.
The way I know you, I believe sums you up best.
Beyond labels or explanations,
Infinite.

It's cold. Five days until Christmas, and the gloom is setting in. I love the Christmas season, I love getting gifts for the people in my life, I like planning to do things, I like "Merry Christmas"ing random strangers, but when it actually comes to the holiday and spending time with family I get a little down. It's just not the same without my Grandmother. She's been gone for a long time now, and somehow always makes her presence known at our family gatherings, but it's not the same as having her with us in person. I know she wasn't the best role model, I know she wasn't perfect, but she was my Grammy, and without her I wouldn't be who I am.
I've been so crabby lately and I think it might have something to do with the weather, combined with the Holiday Blues. I've been snipping at people who don't deserve to be snipped at and it makes me feel awful. I'm so sorry to everybody. Anyone who knows me in person knows I'm not mean or spiteful, but lately it's been rough. Especially yesterday, I was just in an awful mood and even I didn't want to be around me.
I didn't intend for this entry to be quite so depressing, sorry about that.
Merry Christmas!